Is it Really Your Birthday?
This is rarely ever a question that gets asked because most people know exactly when they were born and some, down to the exact minute thanks to meticulous record-keeping in some countries. But for people like myself, the answer is a flat NO.
Many intercountry (also called international) adoptees and even non-adopted people do not know their real birth date.
There are different reasons as to why birth dates are not always recorded at the time of birth, but it usually has to do with the lack of interaction (and/or access) to state or religious institutions, such as hospitals or churches. I’ve heard stories of people born at home or in the countryside getting more of an estimate than the actual date once their births were registered. Birth certificates were sometimes delivered by a religious institution, such as after a baptism. There are many variations of this type of story, so feel free to share in the comments if you have something to add - it’s a fascinating topic!
It also appears that the relevance of birthdays is shaped by cultural perception; knowing the exact date and having a celebration (especially every year) isn’t even a thing in some cultures. This of course stands in stark contrast to the culture that I live in, where birthdays are a big deal; they mark when you came into this world, which warrants a big celebration. Some even think that the actual date determines your personality and life path. It may be far-fetched, but it’s fun to think about - unless you don’t know when you were born. Then it can feel like you’re missing out on the fun or some “truth” or maybe you don’t care…
But the truth is, astrology is currently in vogue in our culture and I wonder how adoptees, especially younger adoptees feel about it. Every time I go to the pharmacy, the cashiers (in their early 20s) are in deep discussions about ascendants and moon signs and how it impacts them in such and such a way. I smile to myself every time.
But whether you’re into astrology or not, there’s meaning to your birthday beyond any perceived astrological significance.
Birthdays are real events that are rich in symbolism, storytelling and ritual, connecting you deeply to your family, especially to the mother who birthed you.
Yet the truth is that most adoptees cannot partake in these rituals the way that non-adoptees do. It’s not a matter of wanting to —we usually just can’t for different reasons, which can trigger difficult feelings. But to be clear, adoptees are not a monolith— not everyone feels the same about their birthday.
I didn’t feel sad about my birthday as a child. I just felt that I had a sucky one: the classic immigrant birthday of January 1st meant that Christmas, New Year’s and my birthday seemed collapsed into one celebration. The date was exciting for other people, but didn’t resonate with me. There was zero individuality, just a generic date.
I would always tell people, including strangers that IT’S NOT MY REAL BIRTHDAY.
Yes, with the same intensity. I couldn’t fake it - I’ve never enjoyed my bureaucratic, government birthday.
There’s a myriad of adoptee birthday experiences and where adoptees come from plays into this. For instance, many inter-country adoptees don’t know the date or year they were born; birthdays were commonly changed or if unknown, estimated in order to make children younger, read: more adoptable because those looking to adopt always prefer babies and younger children.
Birthdays can trigger trauma and a deep sense of injustice. They also speak directly to the mystery of our stories, secrecy, frustration and pain associated with having truths withheld (for whatever reason) and then on top of that, we have to act like it doesn’t matter to make everyone else comfortable and happy. Because in the end, we’re supposed to be grateful, right? I’ll leave it at that because Toxic Gratitude is a post for another day!
But beyond the emotional and psychological impacts of birthdays, there’s a strong bureaucratic and functional aspect of having a birth date accurately documented. This basic piece of information (and more) allows a person to exist legally within a country’s borders and access important services. Unfortunately, it’s quite common for adoptees in the U.S. (both domestic and inter-country) to have issues with their birth dates leading them to have trouble getting social insurance numbers, driver’s licenses, applying to university, getting a passport and other problems related to immigration and citizenship.
To learn more about this multi-layered topic, join me this Saturday, January 9th at 1 pm EST at We The Experts: Adoptee Speaker Series: Birthdays.
I am very excited to share the virtual stage with 3 US-based adoptees: Ming from China, Diego from Colombia and Jen from the US to discuss our relationships to our birthdays. It will be a fascinating discussion and one that I feel doesn’t get enough attention!
The event was created by Adoption Mosaic, spearheaded by the fantastic Astrid Castro, a Colombian adoptee and adoption professional for over 20 years.
Note on financial accessibility: No adoptee will be turned away if you they can’t pay. Please follow the link provided and email the organizers.
Hope to see you there!
K.
